Be sure you were formerly in power or currently in power- grab power, it doesn’t matter how many people you kill. Otherwise, have plenty of money; don’t worry! It doesn’t matter how you make the money. Just be full of money.
Be sure you do not have speech problems; it doesn’t matter though if you stutter a bit. Know a little English, not much, misplace tenses, cut and join sentences, it matters not, just be able to talk.
Gather a crowd, that will be easy since you meet the two conditions above and since you talk, talk anything but be sure you lampoon the government, better if it is the federal government. Insult the president, useless the coordinating minister, if you are a state governor heap heavy allegations on the door step of the federal government.
Tell your people you have not been able to give them water and power because of the federal government.
Sha! you know how to talk- talk, talk and keep talking! Call God, cause the devil, and swear against the president.
If you don’t know what to talk again, just open your mouth wild.
This will allow the people time to shout, in cheer and hail of you- their new found messiah.
If you have a president who is too official and doesn’t talk dirty, talk more, he will not reply. But if the name of the wife of the president rings a bell then you better start bringing your talk to a close unless maybe her husband has cautioned her at home, for which she has been calm lately. You can keep talking.
Make sure you do not allocate anytime for questioning or any form of response from the crowd, unless you are very sure of them and what they will say.
Yes, I know these people are either half literates or stark illiterates but never give them the mic, you never can tell!
After all, they should understand that you are too busy a person. And please, make sure the few educated ones in the crowd are on your pay roll- organizers maybe- or be sure ethnicity or other sentiments have made away with whatever education they thought they had.
Forget the evil things you have done before, don’t even think of the ones you are yet to do, talk like a saint, Nigerians are very forgetful, cant you learn from BaBa. He knows these things better, otherwise; what gave him the impetus to write such a sanctimonious letter to the president cum the entire nation? You see! So forget your conscience and keep talking.
In fact claim there is an attempt to kill you. That you are number one on a kill list. A well thought out plan, hatched by the high and mighty to murder you. If you are in power, you can talk more, don’t forget you have immunity; no court can do you nothing.
Sorry, I almost forgot this, no least important though, reserve money laden Ghana must go bags for serious personality you will invite, apart from the color they will bring to it, their presence will give the entire program some credence. Ar! You should know who to invite na! Achebe, sorry,I forgot that sage is dead…eeeeeeh, invite Wole, Emmanuel John, Jesse Jackson( if that is possible o!), Okparaolu chris (you can always find this one around), Madam due process, Julius Agwu (comedian, very necessary) Tu face idibia ( you don finish work be that).
I have to add that before you start to talk, make sure you dance to the tune of skelewu that should be blaring from the mighty speakers on stage
Am not suppose to tell you this for sure- you should know you have to settle the Ps (Police and Press) brown envelope things- Good! if ATI airs it live for you.
Apart from the T-shirts, drinks and snacks, please also provide some money for the crowd no matter how small, call it anything but transport money will be most appropriate, share for them at the end of the day for you certainly will need them again because to really consummate your heroism you will have to repeat the entire process, at least one more time, in a bigger venue now, probably you build an entirely new stadium.
Again, sorry, I missed a word in the heading, it should actually read thus:
HOW TO BECOME A MEDIOCRE HERO IN NIGERIA.